Of Twin Beds and Badassness (Or: A Comedy of Self-Refuting Arguments)

Editor’s note: I’ve been feeling awfully random tonight. This is the first in a series of completely random and off the wall posts that may or may not include diagrams.

In recent months I’ve come under fire from various folks for reasons not involving political positions or something bad I may have said about one’s sports team of choice — no, I’m taking heat for something I’ve had since early childhood. This item would be my twin bed. (I’d take a picture but that’d be pretty low value seeing how my webcam won’t see that far without an overhead light. I should fix that overhead light.)

Lack of overhead light notwithstanding, I do get a fair amount of heat over this twin bed. Some of the items invoked in this discussion include but are not necessarily limited to:

  • Comfort level
  • Duration of ownership
  • Ability of bed to withstand…erm…Trammell Time™

In true Jared Smith fashion, I will methodically refute each point with a series of fairly-decently thought-out points that may or may not stand up to further argument later.

Comfort level: Often I am asked how I am not miserable sleeping in this twin bed, if I have ever rolled over and fallen off; things of that nature. Well, in some ways, regulating my comfort level is a good thing. There was a time when I had regular access to a larger, queen bed. During this time, I found it much more difficult to wake up. Also, during this time, I found that there was a noticeable increase in rate of stuffed animal purchases, use of pet names, and decrease in ability to conceive a decent-looking website. These factors may or may not relate directly to usage of the queen bed, but whatever. We’ll just do like lots of politicians do and act like it’s a 100% correlation. See, this fits a larger picture: Mash all those numbers together in a random mathematical equation that, for the purposes of this post, will remain in my head, and you get something I dub the Badassness Quotient. With regular queen bed usage, my Badassness Quotient dipped into no-man’s land. After reassuming the usage of the twin bed on a daily basis, not only was I able to crank out a decent website again, but I virtually ceased buying stuffed animals and using pet names, sending the Badassness Quotient north of “softie.” And thus, I introduce Figure No. 1. Please note that since this is Jared W. Smith: The Blog, we will be utilizing Jared W. Smith: The Badassness Quotient. Your idea of badassness likely differs greatly from mine, and that’s perfectly cool. Just work with me here. :)

Twin Bed Usage v. Badassness Quotient

To recap: I felt much more badass back in the twin bed. It was like, get in, do that sleep thing, get out, and get on with yet another 14 hours of life. No room for laziness (at least in the bed) — it’s time to get up, fire up Ryan Farish or Mr. Mister, and get ahead! So, having a slightly lower comfort level works to my advantage. I know with a larger bed I would be laying there forever.

Duration of ownership: I’ve had this bed for as long as I can remember — I think I was nearly five or six when I got it. It’s worked fine for me for all this time, and sure, there’s sentimental value there too. I mean, it’s not showing signs of failing to hold me up or anything. Why should I stop using it? See, I’m big on only replacing things that need replacement. It’s like the time I got my 20″ widescreen — the 19″ standard 4:3 was just failing me! All my Photoshop palettes were running into everything I was working on, for example. And…ummm…okay, bad example. You get my drift.

Ability of bed to withstand…erm…Trammell Time™: This is the talking point for replacement of the bed that I hear the most — it won’t work as per the ladies! It’s too small to romance someone in! Blah blah blah! Again, I’m going to trot out some statistics here…Figure No. 2, for the win…

Romance Attempts In Twin Bed, 2006

As Figure No. 2 clearly illustrates, the number of ladies that I attempted to romance in my bed was…zero! Zilch! Nada! Negative, Merlin, the pattern is EMPTY! Why bother getting something larger when I clearly can’t get them from Point A to Point B? Exactly. That’s what I thought. ;) Now, if there were actual traffic numbers being driven toward there, then perhaps I could justify an upgrade to a newer, larger model…but the well’s just dry, folks. The forecast for 2007 doesn’t see much in the way of an increase, either:

Forecasted Number of Ladies Romanced in Twin Bed 2007

A sweet feature of Figure No. 3 is how it also suggests that I will be sticking by my trusty ol’ bed for the next year. See, it’s good to stand by old friends. Dan Rooney stuck with Bill Cowher through thick and thin for 15 years and got a Super Bowl last year, so there you go. Loyalty pays off. While my bed won’t get me a Super Bowl, it also won’t let me down in keeping me STD and baby-free for the next year. And for that, I owe it a debt of gratitude.

Thus, I conclude: A bed upgrade is, right now, just a bad idea. It could, potentially, foster a downturn in my Badassness Quotient, be potentially unknown and throw me for a loop, and somehow put me on the set of Maury for me to learn whether I am or am not the father.

10 thoughts on “Of Twin Beds and Badassness (Or: A Comedy of Self-Refuting Arguments)

  1. Patrick

    lol. Great stuff.

    I was wondering what happened when you started to stop being so active on the Support Team. Dang queen beds!!!

  2. Patrick

    lol. Great stuff.

    I was wondering what happened when you started to stop being so active on the Support Team. Dang queen beds!!!

  3. Joan

    You just have to cuddle closer on a win bed.
    Not that I would know :))
    Your time will come and you can make the leap straight to King size.

    Cute entry!

  4. Joan

    You just have to cuddle closer on a win bed.
    Not that I would know :))
    Your time will come and you can make the leap straight to King size.

    Cute entry!

  5. NotMyBest2Day

    I, too, use the same twin bed that I’ve slept on since I was three. Since my sister moved out and got her own place, I got her mattress as well, so now my bed consists of two mattresses that are coming up into their late teens, and there is no bedframe. No; they just sit, double-stacked, on the floor.

    I was using just mine for the longest time, and when I got the second one and put it underneath, I have never slept so well in as long as I can remember. Suddenly the insomnia came to an end, I didn’t feel tired throughout the day, and I began sleeping deep enough to where the bad dreams and nightmares no longer wake me, simply because it’s a dreamless sleep. The kind of sleep where you wake up and it seems like an instant, but 12 hours have passed and the first thing you wonder is “where am I, how did I get here, what time is it?”

    So I fully support the Badassness Quotient. Rock on with that. :D

  6. NotMyBest2Day

    I, too, use the same twin bed that I’ve slept on since I was three. Since my sister moved out and got her own place, I got her mattress as well, so now my bed consists of two mattresses that are coming up into their late teens, and there is no bedframe. No; they just sit, double-stacked, on the floor.

    I was using just mine for the longest time, and when I got the second one and put it underneath, I have never slept so well in as long as I can remember. Suddenly the insomnia came to an end, I didn’t feel tired throughout the day, and I began sleeping deep enough to where the bad dreams and nightmares no longer wake me, simply because it’s a dreamless sleep. The kind of sleep where you wake up and it seems like an instant, but 12 hours have passed and the first thing you wonder is “where am I, how did I get here, what time is it?”

    So I fully support the Badassness Quotient. Rock on with that. :D

  7. Phillip Calvin

    I have a trundle twin bed. That means you can pull the second one out and sexily roll onto it during Trammel Time. That also means that it’s higher, which raises the stakes for falling off the side.

    But hey, you can see out the window, and that’s hot. Badassness is where the math is.

  8. Phillip Calvin

    I have a trundle twin bed. That means you can pull the second one out and sexily roll onto it during Trammel Time. That also means that it’s higher, which raises the stakes for falling off the side.

    But hey, you can see out the window, and that’s hot. Badassness is where the math is.

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